The goal is total recovery - to come out better than you were before. Some heal quickly and feel immediate relief. For others the healing happens gradually, and it's not until months or even years later that you realize you don't hurt anymore. So the challenge is to be patient. But if you can make it through the first weeks and months, if you believe that healing is possible, then you can get your life back. But that's a big if.
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It's a common belief that positive thinking leads to a happier healthier life. As children we are told to smile, be cheerful, and put on a happy face. As adults we are told to look on the bright side, to make lemonade, and see glasses as half full. Sometimes reality can get in the way of our ability to act the happy part though. Youre hope can fail, boyfriends can cheat, friends can disappoint. It's in these moments, when you just want to get real, drop the act, and be your true scared unhappy self.

Ask most people what they want out of life and the answer is simple - to be happy. Maybe it's this expectation though of wanting to be happy that just keeps us from ever getting there. Maybe the more we try to will ourselves to state's of bliss, the more confused we get - to the point where we don't recognize ourselves. Instead we just keep smiling - trying to be the happy people we wish we were. Until it eventually hits us, it's been there all along. Not in our dreams or our hopes but in the known, the comfortable, the familiar.

Miedo de estar estirando algo que tal vez no da para más. Miedo de tomar un camino incorrecto. Miedo de no animarme a tomar ninguno. Miedo a cagar todo. Miedo a que todo ya esté cagado. Miedo a retenerte y no animarme a más. Miedo a soltarte. Miedo a lo que desconozco y a lo que vendrá. Miedo a perderte pero también a tenerte. Miedo al miedo y miedo a todo. Miedo a no dejar de quererte.

(Jueves 7 de Julio, 2011)

The dictionary defines grief as keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. As surgeons, as scientists, we’re taught to learn from and rely on books, on definitions, on definitives. But in life, strict definitions rarely apply. In life, grief can look like a lot of things that bear little resemblance to sharp sorrow.

Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad, the thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes and let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away.

There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

- Grey's Anatomy

Tan poco para decir, pero tanto tiempo. Mi boca esta vacía y las palabras están en mi mente... por favor, poné esa cara con una sonrisa; esa que iluminaba mi corazón cuando empezaba a llorar.
Perdoname, primer amor, pero estoy cansada. Necesito salir y volver a sentir, tratar de entender por qué. Y no te acerques tanto para hacerme cambiar de parecer. Por favor, sacá esa mirada de tus ojos, me hace dudar de mi misma... simplemente es cansador.
Este amor se secó y se quedó atrás, y si me quedo va a ser una mentira. Ahora me atraganto con las palabras, esas que siempre intenté esconder. Perdoname, primer amor, pero llegamos al límite: necesito probar el beso de alguien nuevo.
Perdoname primer amor, pero estoy muy cansada. Estoy aburrida de estar última, me faltan las ganas. Perdoname, primer amor.

A veces tenés que darte permiso a vos mismo para no ser fuerte por una vez. No tenés que ser duro cada minuto de cada día, está bien bajar la guardia. De hecho, hay momentos en los que es lo mejor que podrías hacer.